So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
