I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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