dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
