so that wasnt chicken after all
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
