I'm so fucking centered right now
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
