in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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