Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
