My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
