I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
