we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I booty called her while she was in labor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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