I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
