Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
