Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Congratulations! We have a period
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