I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
