Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
