he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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