I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
