the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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