I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
