FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
