i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
