i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
