Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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