His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
