Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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