So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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