can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
