Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I didn't notice because vodka
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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