Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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