Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we're so committed to being not committed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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