I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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