It's like God shit irony all over that family
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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