he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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