upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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