So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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