You're so nebulous sometimes
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
