he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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