Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There's even glitter on my cock...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
