Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
