omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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