I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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