Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
