My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
