i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she smelled like a LAN party
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
