I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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