it hurts more in the daytime
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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