ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
