Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
