What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
