last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
