I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
