and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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