if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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