Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
